


what sleeps next to me

by inkk



Series: alphabet AU challenge [9]
Category: Bandom, Black Veil Brides
Genre: Age Difference, Angst, Anorexia, Eating Disorders, Established Relationship, M/M, Mental Health Issues, basically a whole lot of angst, orthorexia, please don't read if you're easily triggered
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-12
Updated: 2015-09-12
Packaged: 2018-04-19 19:56:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4758989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inkk/pseuds/inkk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><b>I</b> is for (Mental) <b>Illness</b>.</p><p>(In which Andy doesn't eat but Ashley still loves him anyways.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	what sleeps next to me

**Author's Note:**

> *** IMPORTANT ***  
> eating disorders are seriously shitty and if you're suspecting you have one, I urge you to find help (i.e. talk to an adult, therapist, helpline, website etc (feel free to drop me a comment if you want sources)).  
> =  
> (also you should note that I listed this as underage bc andy is 17 and ashley is 21/22ish (as opposed to their actual age difference, which is 7 years).  
> The age of consent in California is 18, so it's technically still illegal and im definitely a disgusting person for writing this. pls don't hurt me.)
> 
> story title comes from the song 'please eat' by nicole dollanganger.
> 
> um...enjoy? :)

+

Dinner. Macaroni and cheese.

Andy can already feel the slick grease rising up to his nostrils in a sickening, cloying cloud, practically seeping into the pores of his skin. He feels himself start to gag but forces himself to put on a smile instead, even as he reaches for the hot sauce and pours enough on to burn his tongue. "Looks delicious."

"How was the week with your father?" his mother asks after a long pause.

Andy sighs, setting his unused fork down and looking down at his lap. "Mom, can we please not do this right now?"

"I was just asking, Andrew," she says defensively, frowning, "There's absolutely no need to get fresh with me. Now hurry up and eat your dinner before it gets cold."

Andy glares down at the plate of noodles and stabs one, reluctantly bringing it up to his mouth and sliding it inside. It's slippery and mushy between his teeth as he chews.

"I hope he's been feeding you well," his mother rambles on, oblivious, "After all, a growing boy like you needs all the nutrients he can get!"

"It's been fine," Andy quietly assures her. He doesn't quite meet her eye, instead choosing to focus on his dinner plate.

"Are you feeling alright?" she asks, leaning over to rub his shoulder, "You're hardly eating anything."

Andy flinches, but forces himself not to move away. "I ate a big lunch, so I'm not that really hungry," he lies. (He hasn't eaten a single bite thirty-seven hours.) "I'm just, um, a bit tired."

His mother tuts disapprovingly. "Maybe you should go get some rest," she suggests, feeling his forehead, "You might be coming down with something."

"Yeah, maybe." Andy sighs, standing up and pushing his chair back from the table with a grating screech. He carries his untouched meal to the counter, hurriedly scraping it into the garbage disposal with hot guilt prickling behind his eyes. His mother looks on with a tired, concerned expression, but refrains from saying anything.

As he exits the dining room, he turns back and asks, "I actually think I'm going to go to a friend's in the city for a while, is that okay?"

His mother nods. "You can take my car. Let me know when you're going to be home, though, please, and keep in mind that it's still a school night. "

"Thanks." Andy snatches keys off the hook, already pulling on his favourite leather jacket. "I might just end up sleeping over there, so don't bother waiting for me."

He's out the door before she can protest.

Outside, he's immediately pelted by a harsh wind that drives snow into his skin like freezing needles. He hurriedly gets in the driver's seat of the car, sitting in the driveway and plugging in his music while he waits for it to warm up. On second thought, he fires off a quick text before pulling out of the driveway.

_[7:39pm] i'm coming over. be there in 15._

 

\+ + +

 

"That bad, huh?"

Ashley's expression is sympathetic when he opens the door, tugging Andy inside by the sleeve and locking it behind him.

"Yeah, pretty bad," Andy sighs. "You have any coffee?"

Ashley nods and reaches over to ruffle his hair. "You know where it is, idiot."

_Coffee. Coffee is safe._

A few minutes later Andy clutches the steaming mug between both hands, breathing in and letting the clean, pure scent wash over him.

"You gonna stay the night?" Ashley eventually asks, and Andy _wants_ to, craves smooth, bare skin under his fingertips and the solid feeling of a body sleeping next to him like he needs air.

"Yeah," he says, "I think I will."

And then he carefully sets the mug of coffee down on the counter, untouched, and tugs Ashley to the bedroom by the sleeve.

They don't talk about the fresh scars or the growing valley between Andy's jutting hipbones; they don't talk about how his eyes are sunken and weary or how his skin is stretched taut over his fragile ribs like semi-translucent elastic or how Ashley's fingertips leave terrible, wonderful bruises blossoming all over even when he's not pressing hard.

They don't talk at all.

 

\+ + +

 

"Ashes? You awake?"

Yawning, Ashley slowly rolls over. To his surprise, Andy is standing bedroom doorway, fully dressed in his clothes from last night (plus Ashley's favourite maroon hoodie).

He frowns. "Going somewhere?"

Andy cocks a hip and raises one eyebrow in a way that's so casually, condescendingly snide it makes Ashley's head spin. "Yeah," he says, adding in one of those fucking breathtaking smirks of his. "School is actually a thing that exists, you know. It's kind of illegal to just not go."

"Oh." Ashley rubs at his eyes, waving a vague hand. "Well. I mean, I think an adult sleeping with a minor might be, too, but who's counting?"

"Shut up," Andy sighs. "It was totally consensual and you know it."

"You flatter me," Ashley says dryly. "But I'm still technically a pedophile, which is fucking disgusting and also incredibly punishable by law and fines and jail."

Andy rolls his eyes. "So god damn dramatic, jesus. Anyways, I just wanted to wake you up to say bye before I left. So, uh. Don't miss me too much."

And then with one last, sleepy glimpse of stick-thin legs and two bony fingers raised in a mock-salute, he's gone.

Ashley pulls the pillow over his head so he doesn't have to hear the sound of the apartment door slamming.

It smells like him.

 

\+ + +

 

"I fucked a kid," Ashley says, right off the bat.

CC shuts his eyes and groans, slumping even farther down in the linoleum seat of the diner booth. "It's too early for this shit."

"Yeah," Ashley agrees. "But now I'm totally fucked."

"Did someone find out? Are her parents gonna, like, sue you or something?"

Ashley snorts, fiddling with the string of the teabag in his mug. "Nah. It's a he, for one, and I don't think his parents even know."

"So... You're telling me this has happened multiple times?" CC asks blankly. "That's fucked up, dude."

"Yeah."

"So why'd you do it?"

"He's hot as fuck," Ashley shrugs. "And a great lay. Really tall, with a deep voice - looks like he's twenty-three, for Christ's sake. No gag reflex at all. He didn't even tell me he was seventeen until after the third time."

CC thoughtfully munches on a fry for a moment, then asks, "So, what's wrong with him? Because not that you're not a great guy, but..." he trails off.

"Daddy issues, I guess," Ashley sighs and traces the rim of the mug with his index finger. "He's super fucking anorexic, too."

"Serious?" CC whistles. "Damn. That's some scary shit, dude."

Ashley runs a tired hand through his lank hair. "I know. It's terrifying to watch. He's, like... a-- a fucking walking skeleton, or something. Half of me is constantly waiting for him to just collapse one day and not get up."

"Well, if I were you, I'd cut the ropes right now before you get even farther into that stupid stray-dog-rescuing-complex thing you always seem to do."

Ashley sombrely laces his fingers around his mug of tea, looking out the window at the far snowflakes fluttering past to cover the parking lot. "I think it might be a bit too late for that."

 

\+ + +

 

Andy doesn't go back to the apartment the next day.

He's not sure why, exactly; it might be like a test of strength, in a way - that he's trying to prove to himself that he's still fine being on his own and that he doesn't need Ashley.

But the thing is, he does

He _needs_ Ashley, desperately and completely needs him in the exact same bitter way he feels the need to starve.

 

To love himself.

 

 

Andy gives up on the sixth day.

 

Or maybe it's it just giving in?

 

Either way, Ashley welcomes him back with open arms and burning kisses and a "where the fuck were you, idiot?" followed by a blowjob that leaves him gasping, all wrapped up in something delicate and four-lettered that sits in the back of his mouth while he's too scared to put a name on it.

 

\+ + +

 

The very next day, everything goes to shit.

As usual, Andy says goodbye and exits Ashley's apartment practically swaddled in one of his massive hoodies, completing the freezing trek to school in time to get to his locker before the first bell rings. He's feeling a little woozier than he typically does by the end of second period, but drinks some water and shrugs it off - he blames it on the cocktail of coffee and sleeping pills he swallowed the night previous.

By the time fourth period rolls around, Andy can't breathe properly. He looks dazedly down at his notes while the science teacher drones on and tries to focus.

By fifth, he can't see straight.

When the bell rings for sixth and he gets up to leave, his legs fold beneath him and he crashes to the ground.

" _Oh_ ," he gasps, and then his head pounds and his vision goes black.

 

\+ + +

 

Andy wakes up in the nurse's office, the lady herself leaning concernedly over him.

"You alright, dear?" she frowns.

"Yeah," he manages to choke out, sitting up even though it makes the whole room sway. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just got a bit dizzy, I guess." After a pause, he asks, "Can I go back to class now?"

The nurse's frown deepens, forming a crease between her brows. "I really don't think that's a very good idea. I'll just get the secretary to call your mother to come pick you up--"

"N-no!" he stutters, eyes flying open in alarm. "I mean, you can't call her. She's in an important meeting."

Reluctantly, the nurse nods. He can see the disbelief in her eyes. "Can I call your dad, then?" she sighs.

Andy shakes his head. "No, it's fine, I'll just drive myself home--"

"I can't let you do that," she exasperatedly interrupts him. "You already passed out once, kid, and I won't have you passing out again at the wheel. Don't you have anyone who can come pick you up?" she prompts, "Grandparents, maybe?

"Um, yeah," he shakily agrees, mind frantically working up a lie, "Yeah, I've got a cousin who lives around here."

The nurse eyes him. "Alright," she says skeptically as she gets up to leave, "I still have to call your mom later, though. You go ahead and give him a call and I'll go get you a granola bar."

As soon as she's out of sight, Andy whips his phone out of his pocket. His fingers tremble as he dials the familiar number.

_Beeeeeeep. Beeeeeeep._

_"Hello?"_

Andy breathes a sigh of relief at the familiar voice. "Oh god, Ashes, I just fainted at school and they want to call my mom," he rushes out, "I told the nurse you were my cousin and now I just need you to come and get me out of here. My mom can't know, she can't find out, _please--_ "

 _"Whoa, slow down,"_ Ashley says on the other end. _"I'll be there in ten minutes, okay? I'm coming right now."_

"Oh, god," Andy breathes. "Oh god, thank you, thank you, thank you--"

_"Not a problem. Just hang on for a few minutes for me, alright? Can you do that?"_

"Yeah. Yeah, I can do that. I can wait."

_"See you soon."_

"Bye."

_Click._

 

An eon later, Ashley pushes through the front doors of the school in all his out-of-place black leather glory. His expression is beautifully blank but severely taut, and when his dark eyes latch onto Andy he can see that they're grim.

It feels like two separate worlds are colliding in front of his very eyes.

"Hey," Ashley finally says, voice low as he offers a hand to pull Andy to his feet and into a tight hug. "Ready to go?"

(There it is again; that four-lettered word, sitting sticky and plastered on the roof of his mouth.)

Andy clears his throat, the familiar prickle of tears clawing at the back of his eyes. "Yeah, let's go."

 

They don't talk about how he stumbles on the way to the car; they don't talk about the baggy sweater he wears to cover up the sharp ridges of his bones or how he practically crams the granola bar down his throat because he's starving but then races to vomit into the nearest trashcan or how his body is literally devouring itself from the inside out in a last-ditch effort to sustain itself.

 

They don't talk at all.

 

They go home to Ashley's apartment, and Andy makes coffee that he doesn't drink and they lie pressed together in his bed with the lights off, listening to the sound of each other's breathing and the simple _thumpthumpthump_ that means somewhere, somehow, they're still alive.

 

\+ + +

 

When Andy gets back to his mom's house at 6:30 the next morning, she's is sitting at the kitchen counter with red-rimmed eyes. She looks small and sad - alone in a house that's always been too big for her.

"I think you know what this is going to be about," she eventually says. Her voice is quiet, heavy, but it seems to echo and throb in Andy's ears like a primal drumbeat. "The school called. And then I talked to your father, and he--..." her voice trembles, cutting off with a choked sound before she takes a deep breath and continues. "He told me you've been skipping meals at his house, too, and that you've been seeing some older man."

Andy feels dizzy; unreal, as if suddenly he's floating up to the ceiling. He stumbles to the dining room table with uncooperative legs and leans heavily on it, breathing like he's just run three miles. "You don't understand," he distantly hears himself saying, "You don't understand, this isn't what you think it is, I _need_ him--" and then there are black flies and grey fog buzzing, humming, swirling around the corners of his vision as he feels himself going down for the second time.

 

+

 

 

\+ 

 

_Hey, Ashes._  
_I'll probably already be gone by the time you read this (which is what you get for never checking your mailbox, dumbass), but. I just wanted to say goodbye on my own terms, I guess._  
_They're going to take me away for a while starting tomorrow morning. I really think they might actually be able to fix me this time._  
_I hope so._  
_Anyways, I won't bore you with the details, but I won't be able to see you for a few months. Don't bother texting or coming by my house because my parents will either call the cops or murder you themselves._

_Don't miss me too much,_

_Andy_

 

 

+

**Author's Note:**

> wow.  
> it feels really good to finally get this off my chest.  
> thank you so much for reading -  
> kudos are fantabulous, and please feel free to drop me a comment to let me know what you thought :)


End file.
